Being on the Right Side of Things

The most recent challenge I've decided to take on is being on the right side of things. For different people and different situations, the meaning and interpretation of that varies. Personally, this means exhausting every avenue to mend any and all things broken.

I’ve focused my attention and effort of being on the right side of things with my father. For a person with just about the same name, we are very far apart. When it comes to the background on him and us, it is almost as if I should ask you all first, “How much time do you have today?” There are endless stories of hurt, regret, miscommunication, abandonment. There are of course, some stories of good times and laughter. However, even during those times of laughter, I somehow manage to find myself thinking of all the hurt and the lack of healing that has too long been put off. Healing does not have one look. For me, I am healed when I know any other person understands me. You don’t have to agree with me, just understand me.

One of the first steps I’d decided to take was to actually be with my father on father’s day. After a few hours of planning how the evening would go in my head, I’d realized that this would be the only father’s day where I’d actually be with my dad. The father’s day outing went great and I’d treated him to a nice patio lunch. It probably went too great because I tipped like forty something percent. I’d also realized that I hadn’t told him happy father’s day at least an hour in. I thought to myself like, dang, I need to find a way to casually slip in this message without it sounding too robotic or too weird… I think it worked, idk.

Weird; suggesting something supernatural, uncanny

Now picture your father (I’ve used this word very loosely with mine) a few weeks prior telling you that you act weird with him and that his girlfriend/female partner/ whatever the hell she is- agrees and has said the same thing. On top of that, imagine having blurred memories of struggle and missing Christmas and birthday gifts in the mail but being told by your father that during that time he was doing what he did (or didn’t do) to make your mom happy. Imagine your father saying that he got used to the distance when you moved away so when you moved back closer, he just didn’t know how to adjust. Imagine not wanting to eat lunch in intermediate school because you knew at a young age how $1.80 a day would add up and if your father didn’t help, maybe you could. Imagine always wanting to work just to know that you have something you to show for or something in case of an emergency. Imagine being scared to ask anybody for money whenever you’re extremely low- there’s nothing like the doubt of genuine motives in other relationships in your life. Imagine being told how much money your father has and how money isn’t a problem for him but knowing your educational debt and day to day finances that he does not contribute to. Imagine feeling like the worst thing in the world is having to ask your father for anything. Imagine pain and relationship strain replaying through your head at the most random hours. Imagine being blamed for inconsistency after being stood up so many times over years. Imagine the world always seeming to kiss your father’s ass when you know everything you’ve gone through alone. Now, imagine this not even being the half… then imagine the overall amount of hurt and disappointment you’d have carrying that.

Sometimes, I ask God why he couldn’t have given me a dad like my friends. One who cares. A dad that would order flowers to the dorm to be delivered on your birthday since that day is the same every year. A dad that would visit you. A dad that would be willing to at least spend time with you if they were free from child support. A dad that would dance with you. A dad that would pour into you, invest in you, listen to you, really love and know you.

Words have meant less and less to me as I’ve grown older. Actions have proven to be so much more effective and meaningful. I’ve learned many lessons, good and bad, just from one person. I have stopped questioning God and have started thanking God. I have put my exhaustion to the side and asked God to give me more energy to work on the things that impact me and the things that I cannot change (grant me the serenity right, lol). I’ve asked for help on forgiveness even without real apology and understanding. Before you completely give up on a relationship of any kind, ask yourself if you’ve truly exhausted every avenue.

Feel free to share anything here or directly to me through the contact section!

Love,

Lani J