I'm Ditching Therapy

I will admit that the title is slightly misleading because I am not quitting therapy… yet. I’m relatively new and overdue for the therapy thing. During my first therapy session I cried when being asked about myself and why I chose therapy. That's how I knew I needed it. I’d like to believe that in a way, therapy chose me. There was so much going on internally that therapy was imperative. I’ve found it to be very useful and obviously the most therapeutic option- get it? Therapy, therapeutic. No? Okay. Got it.

Therapy has been an overwhelmingly reflective experience for me. There are times I anticipate the next session because the last one was so heavy. However, there are also times I don’t want to talk as much. All in all, it is a very great and unbiased outlet. I strongly encourage everyone to have one close. So why would I stop it if it’s so great? There are a multitude of pros and a few cons to my list. The drawbacks are enough for me.

First, therapy costs too much. Personally, it annoys me when people think of me as a baller baby. I am so financially conscious (and scary in a way), people hide the costs of things from me. Initially, I didn’t know how much the therapy was costing but I knew that whatever the cost was would add up. I eventually found out the price and it was not it. I would use the cost alone as a reason to quit therapy because it’s just a no for me... I also believe that it isn’t fair for those that may not have the resources or funds that I do. I know someone may need it much more than me and aren’t able to get that help because of that.

Additionally, I scare myself into thinking therapy is like a placebo. That’s the anxiety talking of course. During the days in between sessions I find myself overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts. I wonder how I will get through the days until my next session. Then when the day comes for a session it’s the best medicine ever and suddenly, I’m…cured? I really just question the effectiveness of therapy and how my darkness can turn into light merely from conversation. “Would and could this work with a friend or something”, I often ask myself. How does this actually work?

Lastly, I have my doubts because sometimes I just don’t feel like doing it. I feel like I discuss the same problems or the roots of them. My solution is fairly simple and sometimes I strongly disagree with my therapist. Sometimes she questions my true feelings in regard to certain things and people. I will tell her that I can honestly say I don’t love an entity in my life, parent or not. She will say that she doesn’t believe it and believes there is a lot of love. I assure her that I have absolutely had it and the treatment I receive along with the actions that follow or the lack thereof support my true feelings. Imagine chasing a relationship that is nonexistent. There is nothing there for me- I’m done beating dead horses. If this entity has consumed so much energy before, so much weight would be lifted by completely removing them from my life and I have NO problem doing so. My therapist told me how stern I was and how it was one of my defense mechanisms. If I am growing into this stronger and stern young woman, I believe that I could really do this thing myself.

This recent pandemic has affected me in many ways. One of my least favorite consequences was the closing of my ‘safe spaces.’ I couldn’t go to my gun range in Nola. Then, I went home and couldn’t do my hot yoga. My favorite Cuban Oxtail placed closed. My fake routine vanished. I was playing everything by ear. My next plan is to not completely quit therapy but talk less and be more active and engaged in the things I enjoy. I plan on spreading out my sessions and continuing to try new things, like blogging. *wink*

If you've ever thought about therapy, I'd suggest trying it. I'd also encourage you to try new things period with the exception of food (because I'm picky, ask Maddy). Just do it like Nike.

Love,

Lani J