Pills and Feels

Winter break is always relieving. You leave school defeated from finals and late nights of studying knowing that the semester is officially over. You go home anticipating the long sleep you’ll have and the peace of mind you’ll work on getting back knowing it’ll be gone upon the arrival of the spring semester. I typically wake up at home panicking at the fear of a deadline approaching or an assignment needing to be turned in. Just a bad dream of course. My memory of being called stand-offish after being excluded had somehow influenced my social attitude and interaction for the remainder of my break.

December 27, 2019 was not only the day I got my wisdom teeth pulled, but also a turning point into a darker place in my life. I was never in enough physical pain to where I would have needed to finish a whole bottle of narcotics and then some. Some people were curious, and others thought it was funny. I felt a little bit of both- I was curious about how pills could be so bad if they made you feel so good. It was funny to me because I was doing the things people rapped about and it was not as big of a deal as they make it seem. I also thought it was funny because I wasn’t sure how I ended up in the space that I was in.

I’d always downplayed my usage alongside others until I’d realized how many pills would be missing overtime and how I began to depend on them for a sense of relief. I’d done everything in a way that would eliminate addiction from one of my problems in my head especially since I had family members that have struggled with addiction. I’d gone back to school and had packed some special goodies for the road. I was stingy- I wouldn’t share or sell. I’d gone through a bottle of 32 hydrocodone acetaminophen (Narcos) and at least 10 oxycodone acetaminophen (Percocet) pills. Within the next 4 months, I’d emptied an almost full bottle of Percocet, some more Narcos, and few Vicodin.

May of 2020 was a month of consciousness and awareness. For one, I’d run out of pills and preferred to spend money on food rather than the street price of pills knowing how many I’d want. Not by choice but with no regret, I’d given up pills. Not even a week later, my mom had asked me if I’d seen her emergency stash of pain pills because they were missing from the medicine inventory. She’d never used them after her wisdom teeth were pulled so I just knew she didn’t pay attention to them. I was wrong. I’d thought of all the lies that could make sense to both me and her but none of them did. I had to come clean about everything I was going through in silence and how serious it was. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I had to address my prodigious loneliness and array of emotions.

I knew there was something wrong. I know people that knew something was wrong. I also know that I wasn’t taken seriously. My pain was belittled and laughed over. I wasn’t believed. I was told that everything would eventually work itself out or to change majors or schools.

People listen the most when it is too late or almost too late. Don’t be that person that overlooks a person’s truth or turn a blind eye towards them. Don’t criticize a person for their hurt or make them feel guilty for their internal battles.

There is a lot more of where hurt and trauma comes from. The journey of realization and reflection is a long one and it may never end. The important thing is to try. Experience life, go through the motions, feel the good and feel the bad. Try not to give up on yourself or those around you no matter what. Don't slip. you will fall.

Love,

Lani J

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DMX Slippin' - https://youtu.be/9Ww-TQUeA3E